Tina Nguyen
11 min read · Oct 10, 2024
Whether you aim to become a leader or want to transform your workplace into an environment you enjoy.
Most of us begin our corporate journeys wanting to make an impact and have our voices heard — this typically means becoming leaders at some point in our careers. When we can make meaningful decisions with organizational impact and feel that what we do matters. Before that day arrives, however, work can often be miserable. I have experienced it. You have experienced it. The climb up the corporate ladder can be interminably long. With each successive rung reached, impact and meaning can still feel elusive. Even if we do not need our jobs to be fulfilling, work can still be a draining experience. We cope by changing jobs when the stress becomes intolerable, and our (mental and physical) health degrades, only to repeat the same cycle. We might even detach from work, yearning for the day we can finally retire and be free to do the things that we actually want before we die (barring catastrophic illnesses and other misfortunes). It is rather grim.
I have tried to find meaning in my work and have failed. I have tried to not expect meaning but failed as well. I could not commit to either path for any meaningful duration — both have felt soul-crushing. While I could not give up on trying to find meaning and impact through my work, I could not meet the demands of the system to catapult myself through the ranks either. Instead, I stumbled on an effective method to influence others and feel my impact without the authority bestowed by title or status through the practice of a personal development goal at work: appreciation.
Appreciation is a powerful tool for expanding influence because it helps others see their impact and gives their work meaning. By inadvertently practicing a form of transformational influence, I could feel both. I chose to work on appreciation because I was terrible at it. Having been raised in an environment where praise and recognition were a zero-sum game, I could not express appreciation without feeling as though I had carved a piece of myself and given it away. Even when I felt overwhelming admiration for another, the words I blurted out sounded more insulting than appreciative — it was embarrassing. For many years, I remained silent, eschewing expressing the positive regard that I felt for others. It was not until the Interpersonal Dynamics course at Stanford that I learned my silence came at a cost.
I learned that my silence invited others to doubt themselves and me. In one instance, a classmate had courageously shared a story of personal growth. I said nothing, leading to their feeling judged. Ironically, it was myself that I had been judging. While listening to their story, I realized I was afraid to be open and vulnerable, sharing potentially unflattering information about myself. I admired them for doing so but did not speak up because I was scared of drawing attention to myself — I did not want people to see my deficiencies. When they finally asked, I spoke my true feelings. My respect for their courage dispelled their anxiety and improved our relationship. I realized then the cost of silence and the power of voicing appreciation. It alleviated misunderstandings, created safety, built trust, and lent power to my voice that I had never experienced before. I was surprised to learn how much influence I had on others once I pushed through feelings of vulnerability and consistently voiced appreciation. Once I saw its impact, I made a concerted effort to do so as opportunities arose.
After learning the power of appreciation, I practiced it in professional relationships and personal ones. I sought to create work environments that I truly wanted to be in. It was risky, but I could not passively suffer through the status quo anymore.
We frequently receive positive acknowledgment in the context of growth opportunities where it bookends criticism — the “shit sandwich.” This lacks impact because the criticism negates it. I experimented with other ways to express appreciation, each requiring different effort as reflected by their varying efficacy.
It may feel like a waste of time (some of it could be), but the deep understanding you will gain of the space using this approach will also be helpful in the future. You may have confidence that this is your target user segment, and they might be for a while. If that changes, doing broad research will allow you to pivot to another segment without starting over. Having knowledge of other potential segments will inform your decision on whether to pivot and to which segment — you will not have to restart the research from the beginning.
I have learned that many people do not see their positive qualities, even when they seem obvious to others. The feedback that we typically receive is critical. Critical feedback can be helpful, but only receiving it means we remain unaware of our strengths. It is astounding how much we cannot see the admirable parts of ourselves until others point them out. Helping others recognize their strengths is powerful in building strong relationships and increasing influence.
These opportunities to express appreciation pass quickly and are subtle, requiring close listening. In a passing conversation, one of my brilliant colleagues seemed concerned that her credentials would intimidate a new team. In her uncertainty, she mentioned that they would hopefully learn that she is not that special and is easy to work with once they have the opportunity to interact with her. Fortunately, her remark did not go unnoticed. Over Slack in a team channel, another colleague and I acknowledged that she is easy to work with and there is something special about her. Using self-deprecation to appear humble (because we are conditioned to not like those who brag) keeps us blind to our light — the pull to deny what we are to fit in is enormous. By helping others recognize the positive qualities we see, we help them see themselves more clearly, building trust and expanding our influence. We effectively become positive energizers.
If we miss these opportunities, we can also relay the positive words others have said. People tend to eschew direct compliments but are more comfortable saying nice things to a 3rd party. If we happen to be that 3rd party, we can encourage that person to deliver the compliment directly. Chances are, the recipient would not know otherwise. If our encouragement does not work, we can do so ourselves. I have heard some nice things about myself only because someone else was kind enough to mention them. These comments helped me realize the impact of my actions that I would have been oblivious to otherwise. Having others affirm our positive qualities (and helping to affirm theirs) helps us build appreciation for ourselves and our capacity to appreciate others.
My preferred method to express appreciation is using the non-violent communication format:
This method is the most impactful because it helps the recipient understand what they did to have a positive impact and the option to repeat it. I use this framework to help me express memorable, heartfelt sentiments. It is so specific that it erases any doubt regarding motivation and makes the recipient feel “seen and appreciated.”
I wrote the following to a supportive friend who has generously spent time editing my writing for no reason other than to be helpful:
You’re really prompt in editing my blog posts and are very thorough in your edits. I feel humbled and honored that you would spend your valuable time to help me — I know how much you have going on. Sometimes, I don’t know if what I’m doing has any value or where it’s going so I’m touched by your efforts and feel supported and reassured. I love getting your help and am grateful and want to make sure that you don’t overextend yourself either.
The first line details the specific action. The second line follows with the impact on me as indicated by my feelings. This is memorable because of the vulnerable expression of the need mentioned in the third sentence. I added the fourth optional request because I did not want to impose, but I could have left it out — the impact would remain unchanged. This form of appreciation is time-consuming because it requires thought and planning, but it is worthwhile.
These varied methods have been helpful to me in voicing my appreciation so that people who have had a positive influence on my life are aware of their impact. Simply knowing the best ways to do so is not typically enough to get us to do it more often — it was not for me.
While this feet-on-the-ground method of interviewing strangers does not cost money, the cost will be with time and energy. It is very tiring to physically approach people, be rejected, and yet continue on. Being on your feet all day, listening and speaking while taking notes, and remembering pertinent details will take a toll. Sometimes, these impromptu field trips did not result in many conversations. I would consider this option only if there was no other way. Fortunately, in recent years, there are less energy-intensive methods.
Brown-nosing. The fear of appearing disingenuous has kept many from expressing appreciation. Early in my career, an experienced colleague confided in me how much he appreciated his manager but that he would only say something when they no longer worked together because he did not want to “suck up.” I felt this anxiety when expressing gratitude to a teacher who I greatly respected and admired (I still do). I pushed through the terror by addressing the elephant in the room — stating my fear of appearing insincere and then expressing my appreciation anyway.
Zero-sum game. Expressing appreciation can feel like admitting inferiority because we are praising another. I watched colleagues admit admiration to others by putting themselves down (e.g. you are so intelligent and way above my level). The consequence is that to express appreciation to someone else, we feel bad about ourselves — not something any of us would seek. This is the flawed mental model that I was conditioned to believe, but one that can be changed with practice.
Same old. It may feel pointless to say something that has already been said. That is typically not true and less so with appreciation — there can never be too much of it. Appreciation never loses its power. Repeating a compliment for the 100th time is as meaningful as the first. In fact, people may doubt the positive things about themselves making repetition helpful to their eventually believing it.
It is their job. Expectation is the silent killer of appreciation. Colleagues have told me they did not think to express appreciation if someone was only doing their job, even if they were doing it well. They would say something if they had constructive feedback. This is the default mode for many and why we tend to only hear criticism, making it difficult to see our strengths.
Being an introvert. Public speaking and writing are challenging if we have not had much practice. Fortunately, the NVC framework for appreciation is available to us. We need to spend some time following its stepwise process. If publicly recognizing a colleague is uncomfortable, 1:1 or anonymous appreciation is still powerful.
Sounding rehearsed. When I first started practicing expressing appreciation more often, it felt so robotic that I was worried about appearing insincere or worse — manipulative. Fortunately, no one has ever bitten my head off when I sounded awkward. Even when people were initially skeptical of my sincerity, they eventually realized the authenticity of my feelings (I know because they told me).
The many obstacles to expressing appreciation make it difficult, but overcoming those hurdles to build stronger and lasting relationships based on mutual respect and admiration is well worth it. Somewhat counterintuitively, helping others see their influence and impact on us increases ours. Once I could consistently express appreciation, I noticed my colleagues listened to what I had to say more, even if they disagreed. Communication flowed smoothly. Even challenging situations in those relationships became less stressful. Contrast this to relationships where I did not make an effort — there were stark differences. Not only is appreciation important in 1:1 relationships, but it is also at the group level.
Convinced with the effectiveness of appreciation in building stronger relationships, I experimented with publicly expressing appreciation to normalize it on teams and to foster a culture of psychological safety. I expressed my appreciation via personal Slack messages whenever I felt it. I shared NVC-style appreciation on team channels of 60+ people (inspired by another colleague). I batched my appreciation messages every other week. In setting aside 30 minutes to reflect on the weeks that passed, I found a lot that I appreciated and made sure that my colleagues knew.
What I learned in this process:
Ultimately, my concerted efforts to express appreciation to create a safe environment felt like a failure. The nervousness that I felt with each heartfelt sentiment increased. My energy was depleted when my attempts were received with silence, likely because my colleagues struggled to express appreciation. The reasons that make it hard for people to express appreciation also prevent them from responding. I persisted but eventually stopped without encouraging feedback to re-energize me. I made peace that, perhaps, appreciation did not affect team cohesion and happiness and that I should focus my attention elsewhere.
Months later, a colleague mentioned that their immediate project team had become better at being supportive and expressing immediate appreciation for one another. A different colleague suggested that another seek advice from me about a challenging situation. Another was kind enough to relay that a team member felt safe whenever we were in meetings together. These anecdotes suggest that my efforts to create psychological safety had not been in vain. Ultimately, I had no way of knowing unless people told me — most did not. Even though the impact at a group level remains unquantifiable and unclear, I can speak to its effectiveness on an interpersonal level. I gained influence and exercised that power to create better work experiences for my colleagues. I felt the impact of that in interpersonal relationships.
There is great power in a title. Founder. CEO. VP. Manager. Senior. These bestow power and influence because we have been conditioned to admire and respect status and titles — we listen to those who bear them. But climbing the corporate ladder can be long, waiting for an authority figure to endow us with leadership before our voices can be heard. We can shorten that by exercising our agency to express appreciation. We can do this regardless of where we are in our careers and expand our power and influence by exercising grass-roots leadership. Title and status will likely follow. Even if we do not seek either, we can make our work more enjoyable. Appreciation does not guarantee success, and we might fail at changing the organizations that we are in. The option to leave is always there. However, we will find people who share our values and, someday, join an organization that does as well (or create one ourselves). Ultimately, most of us want to know that our work has a positive impact. What better way than to let our colleagues know of theirs and feel our own in return.